A fantastic idea

Glad I thought of it.

I’ve been saying for years that people need to keep a leash on their children. Literally. When I was a toddler, my Mom has this long, rainbow colored, bungee cord like device that attached the two of use via adult and child sized Velcro wrist straps. That way she knew that A) I was never going to wander off in a crowded train station and B) if someone tried to kidnap me, she would know about it immediately even if she was momentarily distracted. This was a common practice in England and Europe at the time we were there. Surprisingly, when we came to the states, mom used to get no end of hassle from other parents and occasionally the police who wanted to know “Why are you treating your son like a dog?” Mom’s initial reaction to this was her usual blinding rage, but she eventually simmered down to snark with the stock response “Excuse me sir/madam, but YOU don’t care enough about YOUR child’s safety to take proper precautions, that’s hardly my concern.” or words to that effect. Of course, that usually just ticked people off and got me into loads of trouble when she said such things to my teachers. But that’s neither here nor there.

What does this have to do with Japan? Simple, there is a school in Tokyo that is using GPS technology to keep track of their students. The idea is to crack down on truancy. An excellent idea if you ask me. The only problem is that the school in question is a college.

http://http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090529/ap_on_re_as/as_japan_iphone_truants

According to this story, the school is giving brand new iPhones to students. They’re then using the built in GPS system to see if the kids are cutting class. The logic is that the kids are unlikely to deliberately throw away something as vitally important to daily life as a cell phone (and that isn’t hyperbole, in this culture, you can’t survive with out your keitai).

This doesn’t seem like something you should need with college students. I have seen elementary school students wearing clips on either their backpacks or jackets that might be tracking devices or panic buttons. Also, all elementary school students are required to wear name tags that identify their name, school, grade level, and what class they’re in. These are typically safety pinned to the shirt. Also, many middle and high school uniforms have name tags as part of the uniform code. Considering that uniforms are almost NEVER the same between two different schools, it’s fairly easy to tell where a child or teenager belongs.

Frankly, this is a stroke of genius that should be standard issue across the educational spectrum. I’ve said for years that we should “chip” our children the way we do our pets. For those non-pet owners out there, to “chip” an animal is to implant a microchip under their skin that contains all the relevant information about that animal and his/her owners. That way, if the animal is ever lost, all one need do is scan the chip and contact the owners.

Considering that children have a legal status similar to house pets, a similar strategy can and should be used to ensure the safety of the world’s children. I suggested a few years ago that American school children should be required to either have such a chip implanted or should have to wear a wrist watch with GPS tech equipped. Being much younger, I assumed that said watch would not only be synchronized with the schools clock to prevent tardiness but would also act as a personal database and scheduler to keep track of homework, library books, etc. I concluded that the chip would be cheaper but the watch much cooler. Either way, it would be an instant end to the kidnapping, rape, and trafficking of children. Surely, no one could possibly object to this plan.

But WOAH was I wrong. I was living in Washington State at the time, so that should have been a tip off that logic need not apply. It turns out that the version of the Bible that is taught in that part of the US says that one of the signs of the apocalypse is something called The Mark of the Beast. A mark placed on people that will . . . do . . . something I guess. Anyway, when I brought up the idea of manditory tracking devices for children in a university-level teacher prep course, I was told that was impossible because it was against the will of God.

You heard it here first folks: God doesn’t want you to protect your children from kidnappers! (whispers under breath) Fight, fight, fight for Washington State…

Hail to the Cultural Icon

Obama mania is running wild, BROTHER! (I would like to take this moment to apologize for using a 1980s professional wrestling catchphrase. Sorry.) Seriously though, they love that guy over here. In the last week, I have taught two lessons that have used the President as an example.

First, one of the teachers I work with decided to post a quote of Obama’s in the classroom as a motivational poster. The line was from Obama’s stump speech. It’s the one about how we are the people we’ve been waiting for. A good message for a classroom if ever I heard one, but there was one snag. Specifically, I had to read it to the class before the teacher and I explained the meaning. Reading scripts to a classroom of Japanese children is normally about 75% of my job description, but this is OBAMA MATERIAL! I pride myself on being a good public speaker and on being able to use several amusing voices to liven up a dead class. But this is BARACK OBAMA level $%*# we’re talking about here. I’m good, but I’m nowhere near that good.

Anyway, I did my best as I always do and things turned out alright, but it left an impression on the teachers. They’ve spent the last two years thinking of me as the paragon of the English language, the source of answers to any English related question they might have. The fact that I couldn’t even come within 34.621 light-years of matching President Obama’s oratorical style proved just how good he is.

The second Obama related event this week was when we had to teach the expression “Call me (insert nickname here)” as part of a lesson on introductions (being able to give a proper self introduction is vital to Japanese culture, so it is assumed to be equally career making/breaking in English). Without my knowing it, the teacher had prepared a special flashcard for us to use to fill in the blank. A picture of Bo. That’s right, Bo, the Obama’s long awaited dog . . . in his so-cute-it-gives-you-cavities lay. So we taught the example sentence “They call him Bo.” The students gave us some weird looks because Bo is, apparently, a weird name for a dog. The Japanese teacher then asked me to explain the meaning of Bo (you have no idea how tempted I was to make a Doctor Who/Face of Boe joke here). Realizing that no one in the room would get the reference if I mentioned either Doctor Who or Bo Diddley, I just shrugged and said that it didn’t have a hidden meaning and that the Obama’s must have thought it sounded cool. It wasn’t until days later that I realized Bo = B.O. = Barack Obama.

The students still weren’t satisfied since we were talking about a NAME here. Names have meanings. Nobody names something just because they like the sound of it (Remember, if it’s like that in Japanese, it must be like that in English). At this point I realized that I had just spent seven minutes or so on Obama’s freaking dog and that I’d had just about enough. About the third time I was grilled on the name, I turned it back around by saying to the teacher, “I don’t know, what does ‘Pochi’ mean?” Pochi is a stereotypically common dog’s name in Japan (think Fido). I’ve seen it written in Katakana so I know there’s no kanji to constitute a hidden meaning. To my mild surprise, I was right, the teacher realized that no, Pochi is just a cute word to call a cute dog. To my increasing relief, that was the end of that discussion.

This whole Obama craze extends far beyond the classroom. Last year, my principal got up in front of the faculty, PTA, and school board at a group party and gave a 20 minute speech on the cosmic philosophical implications of “Yes, we can” and how it applies to our teaching. I’m proud of myself. I managed not to burst out laughing. Also, the big man himself has appeared as a piece of clipart to make homework sheets look more interesting. I had an Elementary school student last year who picked up the nickname Obama because he was good at English. And every bookstore in the nation is packed with books of his speeches, considered to be the pinnacle of the English language. All in all, it’s hard point to argue.

Allow me to conclude this post by apologizing once again for the Hulk Hogan joke at the top. By the way, Hulk Hogan caused me no end of trouble when I first moved to the States, specifically because I had no idea who the hell he was. Professional wrestling was not offered on our TV system in Germany and I’d never even heard of the stuff. Imagine being an elementary school kid in 1991 California who had never even heard of Hulk Hogan. It was one of the many things that made my life . . . somewhat less than comfortable. But that’s a rant for another day.

What month is it again?

I am sitting at my desk and looking out the window. I see strange and possibly demonic flecks of white stuff falling out of the sky. Yes, it is snowing. My watch says that it is March. Note to self: Watch must be broken, buy a new one.

Welcome to Japan Clinton-sama

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Japan. She is, as I type, in Tokyo on her first diplomatic mission. The following is a clip from the 2/16 episode of The Rachel Maddow Show. I'll give some additional information on the info after the video. Now we get to see if I've figured out how to make these embedded videos work.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

First off, Finance Minister Nakagawa is soon to be EX-Finance Minister Nakagawa. Nobody is buying the "too much medicine" excuse. "Nakagawa stressed he had just sipped a glass of wine during a toast at the G7 luncheon but claimed he "did not drink it."" When this story broke Monday morning, Prime Minister Aso "14% approval rating" Taro issued a statement saying that he would not fire the man. ""As for my responsibility of appointing (Nakagawa), I am grateful that he has surely been doing his job," Aso said." (Quotes credited to The Japan Times)

Not twenty four hours later, Nakagawa-san's office issues a statement that he will resign, thereby allowing the Prime Minster to save face. Nobody is buying this! By the way, Rachel may not understand Japanese, but I do and Nakagawa-san still makes no fricken sense.

However, Nakagawa-san seems to have taken the Ron Blagoyavitch (I don't care enough to look up the spelling for that) route by saying as much as possible before vanishing into the void. Some highlights:

"I was told by Prime Minister Aso to do my best until the passage (of the bills)," he told a hastily called news conference in Tokyo after he visited a doctor for a medical check.

He said his wobbly performance was caused mainly by jet lag and taking too much cold medicine, brushing aside speculation that he was under the influence of alcohol at that time.

And my personal favorite:
"My doctor told me I am suffering from a cold and fatigue," he said, adding he had "apologized for having caused a great deal of trouble to the prime minister and other people concerned" by not taking good enough care of his health. (Again, all quotes are from The Japan Times)

He has a cold? Seriously? Go watch that video again and tell me if that is any cold you have ever seen.

Now for the scary $*!*, that "Sea of Fire" that the North Koreans are talking about making, is about 60 feet from one of the elementary schools that I work at. Damn. Fortunately, this is probably bluster and bluff. I can't take anything seriously from a country whose leader once bragged that he owned ever action figure ever made of Japanese professional magician Princess Tenko.

And now for Clinton herself, the one major thing not mentioned in the Maddow clip is that Clinton is planning to sign an accord that will remove 8000 US troops from Okinawa. The only thing that would further US-Japanese relations better than that is promise to get the USS George Washington the heck away from Yokusuka. (The only nation that has ever suffered a nuclear attack doesn't like having a nuclear warship floating off the coast)

Also, I'm taking bets on how long before we see Japanese models start wearing the "Bada$$ on the outside, kimono on the inside" jacket.

That's about all the extra insight that I can provide. In other news, it is insanely cold out here right now. 38 degrees F with the heater on kind of cold. Californians don't get to complain about the cold. EVER!

Setsubun

I’m a couple of days late on this, but with the time difference, it mostly works out.

Feb 3rd is a holiday in Japan, not the Get-out-of-work kind, but still fun. It’s called Setsubun (節分). The name translates roughly to “cutting the season” and refers to the official boundary between winter and spring. (He said as he looked out the window at the snow and died a little on the inside)

Setsubun is celebrated with a purification ritual meant to cast out evil spirits and usher in good luck for the new year. The evil spirits are symbolized by the Oni, a mythological baddie whose name translates as “demon” but “ogre” is a better analogy. How do you cast out an Oni? Why, by throwing soy beans at it of course.

People throw roasted soybeans at someone wearing an Oni mask and shout “Oni wa soto! Fuku wa uchi!” (鬼は外! 福は内) Which means “Oni outside, luck inside.” Traditionally, this was a shinto ritual that held deep significance. However, today it has devolved into a children’s ritual where they get to throw things at their parents and teachers. The children are also typically given candy at the end. Why? I have no idea, but who needs an excuse to give kids candy? Many shrines still have Setstubun events, but they’re mostly publicity stunts.

I had the opportunity to be an Oni at one of the elementary schools I teach at. I kind of fit the bill physically since I’m tall, large, and can look pretty darn scary when I try. I and a handful of other teachers stood outside the school gym ready to walk in one at a time as the children prepared to throw beans at us. I was told we were supposed to just walk slowly and let the children hit us. My instant reaction to that was “Oh heck no!”

When my turn came I stood at the door for a second and let out what I hope was a blood curdling roar. I dashed into the gym growling in a half werewolf/half Gollum impression. The kids were laughing their heads off as they started to throw the beans. I ducked, dodged, and spun my way around them (and at my size, that isn’t easy). Eventually, I started letting them hit me. Being in possession of an amateur drama background (Read: Being a big ham) I naturally acted as if the beans were made of acid. I then transitioned into the corniest death scene you can imagine before removing the mask and accepting the praise of the students and teachers.

The Great Split

Greetings puny humans,

I’ve realized that I long ago abandoned what this blog was supposed to be about and started commentating mostly on politics. Since I tend to write about whatever I feel like at the time, sticking to any one topic is rather difficult.

Last night I was rereading the great book of laws that govern the entire internet, The Tome of Gore and noticed something in Vol.3, Section 6, Subsection 31 regarding blogs:
A User may have as many blogs as he/she/it can comfortably provide for.

Having realized this, I have decided to split off and start a total three blogs. The current plan is to post something in one of them at least once a week.

Wandering Gaijin will remain as a Japan specific blog. This will include commentaries on what are known on the Internet as WJTs (Pronounced: widgets) or Weird Japanese Things. I will also post reflections of experiences and other such information. You know, the stuff I should have been posting all along.

The first of the new blogs will be called RNR or Random Nerd Reviews. I am a proud nerd (or Intello-American if you want to be politically correct) and this blog will be me talking about all things nerdy. As the name implies, reviews will be the main bread and butter of this blog. This one is already up and running at randomnerdreviews.blogspot.com, go there.

The second and last of the new blogs will be political in nature and it will have a very catchy name as soon as I think of one. It will mainly be my political rants at the stupidity that envelops modern politics and political punditry.

Some cross over between blogs will happen. Articles of Japanese nerdom on RNR, or the political blog with the very catchy name featuring transpacific stories.

Also, I may soon decide to abandon all attempts at anonymity and start posting video blog entries because I’ve always wanted my own TV show. The fact that my new computer has a built in web cam also has something to do with this.

And so dear friends, we begin a new era of Net based commentary in this: The 3rd Age of the Hack.

I'm a proud sinner!

This is why I don’t go to church any more:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081113/ap_on_re_us/obama_catholics

The AP is reporting on this Catholic priest has stated that Catholics who voted for President-Elect Obama should not receive communion until they pay an appropriate penance for their sin.

I’m not making this up! In the man’s own words:

The Rev. Jay Scott Newman said in a letter distributed Sunday to parishioners at St. Mary's Catholic Church in Greenville [South Carolina] that they are putting their souls at risk if they take Holy Communion before doing penance for their vote.
"Our nation has chosen for its chief executive the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president," Newman wrote, referring to Obama by his full name, including his middle name of Hussein.


"Voting for a pro-abortion politician when a plausible pro-life alternative exists constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil, and those Catholics who do so place themselves outside of the full communion of Christ's Church and under the judgment of divine law. Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."

Guys like this make me sick! The right of the free and secret ballot is the very cornerstone of the United States of America. People complain about judges who “legislate from the bench” but I find “legislating from the pulpit” to be much worse. There is never any reason to feel shame about the way you vote. God gave man free will and I don’t believe that He would then create a church with the intention of removing that free will. America holds sacred the separation of church and state. Priests like Father Newman are violating the highest law in the land, the highest law we all agree on at any rate.


As for the abortion issue: GOD NEVER SAID A DAMN THING ABOUT IT! That’s even assuming you take the Bible word-for-word literally, which I don’t. I challenge anyone to find me a Bible quote (please cite chapter and verse in the comment section of this post) that mentions abortion one way or the other.


On the other hand, I can understand those who believe their place in heaven is assured wanting McCain to win the election. A McCain administration would doubtlessly directly bring about the End of Days within four years and they get to go to heaven early. Fine, that’s cool for you. But the rest of us LIKE this world and want to SAVE it. Those of you who don't, just go drink some Kool-Aid and leave the rest of us in peace.


The late Pope John Paul II stated that the abortion issue is a matter of personal faith as there is no scripture to support either side of the argument. In other words, the right to live vs. right to choose debate is NONE OF THE CHURCHES BUSINESS!! Memo to Father Newman: The Pope out ranks you . . . a lot. I’d have thought they would mention that at the seminary at some point.


So, short version, I’m not quite at the point of joining the Bill Mayer brand of atheism, but this just goes to prove that the difference between God and Religion can be as wide as the Grand Canyon.

A message to McCain

Yes, yes, yes. I know I haven’t updated this thing in weeks, but let’s get past that and talk about what everyone else is talking about: Joe the Plumber.

The following is a little message to the McCain campaign care of the Merriam-Webster dictionary:

Main Entry: vet

Function: transitive verb

Inflected Form(s): vet•ted; vet•ting

Date [of entry to the dictionary]: 1891

1 a: to provide veterinary care for (an animal) or medical care for (a person) b: to subject (a person or animal) to a physical examination or checkup

2 a: to subject to usually expert appraisal or correction b: to evaluate for possible approval or acceptance

— vet•ter noun


Please look at definition 2b. Thank you.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081017/ap_on_re_us/joe_the_plumber
According to this article by John Seewer of the associated press, not only is Joe not a licensed plumber, he isn’t even a Joe. His name is Samuel J. Wurzelbacher and “Joe” appears to be a nickname, a horribly dull nickname. Just to make things funnier, this archetype of the hard working American success story . . . owes nearly $1200 in back taxes and the state has filed a claim to repossess his house.

How the hell did the McCain campaign not know any of this before they made him a national TV star? I feel sorry for Mr. Wurzelbacher. His life is now going to be turned completely upside down because John McCain is an idiot.

On a separate matter, a friend of mine who happens to be a fellow English major finally watched the VP debate on YouTube. The 90 minute debate took us about 2 hours to watch because my friend keep rewinding to see if Sarah Palin made any sense the second time around. She didn’t. He also rewound to remind himself of the actual question and see if anyone actually answered it. They usually didn’t. We also had a dictionary open and were pausing to check is what Sarah Palin was using her words correctly. Indecently, “maverick” is not a verb. We assume the definition of maverick that the Governor was using is:

2. a lone dissenter, as an intellectual, an artist, or a politician, who takes an independent stand apart from his or her associates.

Although we can’t rule out

1. Southwestern U.S. an unbranded calf, cow, or steer, esp. an unbranded calf that is separated from its mother.

Even assuming the former is the intended definition, the idea of a “Team of mavericks” is nonsensical because you can't have a team of lone dissenters.

At one point in the debate, Gov. Palin referred to Sen. Biden as Sen. Obiden, accidently combining the names of both members of the Democratic ticket. Since all's fair in love and Freudian slips, the Republican VP candidate will now and forever be known as “Sarah McPalin!”

Since that name sounds incredibly Scottish (and I never pass up a chance to steal a bit from Blackadder) I present the following conversation to be read in a heavy stereotypical Scottish accent:

Me: Ach! Sarah McPalin! Yer tha spittin image ah yerself! How stands that mighty army, tha Clan McPalin?

Sarah McPalin: Thar both well.

Me: Aye, good. Ay always thought Rory and Angus war such fine boys.

Sarah McPalin: Angus isa girl.

Me: Oh . . . eh . . . dang.

Thank you thank you, I’m here till Monday.

In related news, stay tuned for the recipe to my newest invention, the McPalin sandwich. (Why yes, I am going to milk this joke for all it's worth. Thanks for asking.)

And the gaijin cause takes 2 steps back.

This is the really frustrating thing. Whenever it seems as if gaijin are making headway toward being equal citizens in Japan, someone does something stupid and ruins it for the rest of us. This time, our story takes place in the hallowed halls of Sumo. For the last several years, there has been a massive influx of gaijin sumo wrestlers rising to prominence in the most Japanese of sports. For example, both of the reigning Yokozuna (grand champions) Asashoryu and Hakuho are from Mongolia. And it is not uncommon to see the odd Caucasian in the middle ranks at a major tournament. A few days ago, this all came to a screeching halt.

Two of the most prominent gaijin wrestlers, a pair of brothers from Russia, tested positive for marijuana in the sports first ever round of drug tests on Monday. The reason for these tests was the drug related arrest of another gaijin wrestler a few months ago. He was caught with 2.5oz of pot in his wallet. He will inevitably go to jail and/or be deported and his sumo career is over.

It is worth noting that possession of marijuana is a VERY serious offense in Japan. Possession of a single ounce is worth no less than 3 years in jail (no more than 5) hard labor and a $10,000 fine. It is unknown at this time if criminal charges will be pressed against the brothers who only tested positive for the drug. Possession, distribution, trafficking and being caught while using MJ are crimes. Having used it sometime in the past is not.

However, sumo wrestlers are held to a high moral standard due to the religious origins of their sport. As such, both the brothers have received lifetime bans from the Japan Sumo Association (JSA) and the JSA chairman has resigned in disgrace. This scandal has been front page news across the nation trumping the resignation of Prime Minister Fukuda. And you thought Americans took their games seriously.

At the risk of sounding like John McCain, I say blame the Russians.

Palin is a horrible person

OK, this is the ranting I promised regarding the pros and cons of Sarah Palin as the VP nominee of the GOP. I’ll start with the pros and go from there because the higher quality and more impassioned writing comes with the cons and I want to make you wait for that. Before I begin, I want everyone to remember that this woman is running to be one heartbeat away from the Presidency and the President in question would be a 72 year old man with cancer.

When you consider that the US life expectancy for a man is 75.15 years according to the 2007 world fact book. In other words, statistically speaking and when you consider the stress of the job, John McCain will be dead before his 3rd State of the Union Address. On that less than happy note, let’s do this:

PROS:
1. Palin is literally a continent away from the Bush Administration. The GOP know that President Bush is a complete failure and that McCain is far too buddy-buddy with him. But no one in Washington (including John McCain) knows who she is. She can come out of the blue and be a clean slate.
2. The GOP can control the story, kinda. The idea seems to be that the 24 hour news cycle of the 1990s hasn’t reached Alaska yet so Palin doesn’t have any press record. Therefore the GOP can mold her into anything they choose. This is turning out to be total rubbish but what are you going to do?
3. Energize the base. This woman is such a hardcore conservative that she borders on fascist. Prolife, pro death penalty (I’ve never understood how those aren’t mutually exclusive), pro gun、pro war, anti immigration, pro church, anti everything Jesus actually said. In other words, the GOP’s wet dream.
4. Power to the PUMA! I don’t know if anyone has noticed, but Sarah Palin has breasts! Now, since all of Hilary Clinton’s supporters are women, Sarah Palin will use her connections in the International Sisterhood of the Va**** to get all of the PUMAs to vote for John McCain despite the fact that she everything she stands for are exactly the opposite of everything that Clinton stands for.

OK, yeah, most of those are stupid and backhanded compliments. But I can’t come up with much that is legitimately good with this choice. As for the cons, there are so many that a true list would constitute a book and there is no way I could scare up a publisher or distribution deal in time so I’ll only list the two most egregious.

CONS:
1. Child abuse. The way this woman uses her family as political fodder is disgusting. First, she uses her son Track (Barack is a weird/evil/foreign name but Track is OK?) as a symbol of how much she “Supports the Troops”©. Then she shows her many children as proof that she shares stereotypical small town values (will SOMEONE explain what the hell “small town values” are?). And worst of all, she shows off pregnant 17 year old daughter and her infant son as proof that she lives her prolife stance.

Let me get this last one straight. Her daughter made a mistake. The mistake in question being that she forgot that there are about 90 different kinds of birth control. Now she has to have the baby with the world watching. Her life is changed irrevocably because her mother is running for vice president. I’m not saying that she should have an abortion, that’s her CHOICE. But of all the reasons to have a child “It helps Mom’s poll numbers” is damn close to the bottom.

It gets worse with the baby. Young Trig Palin has Down Syndrome. His existence is being used by the Fixed Noise as prove that Gov. Palin is truly pro life. In other words, the message is: She didn’t get an abortion even though she knew the baby would come out wrong what a wonderful woman!

2. Book burning. This last one has to speak for itself. During her political career Sarah Palin looked into having a large number of books banned from public and school libraries. Fortunately, the local librarians realized that you simply can’t do that in America and swore to fight any such attempt. Palin then had the librarian fired at the earliest opportunity. This list has been floating around the internet. Please note that this list may not be complete or accurate.

This is the list of books Palin tried to have banned.
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
Blubber by Judy Blume
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
Canterbury Tales by Chaucer
Carrie by Stephen King
Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
Christine by Stephen King
Confessions by Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Cujo by Stephen King
Curses, Hexes, and Spells by Daniel Cohen
Daddy’s Roommate by Michael Willhoite
Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck
Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller
Decameron by Boccaccio
East of Eden by John Steinbeck
Fallen Angels by Walter Myers
Fanny Hill (Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure) by John Cleland
Flowers For Algernon by Daniel Keyes
Forever by Judy Blume
Grendel by John Champlin Gardner
Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling
Have to Go by Robert Munsch
Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Impressions edited by Jack Booth
In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
It’s Okay if You Don’t Love Me by Norma Klein
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
Little Red Riding Hood by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Love is One of the Choices by Norma Klein
Lysistrata by Aristophanes
More Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz
My Brother Sam Is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
My House by Nikki Giovanni
My Friend Flicka by Mary O’Hara
Night Chills by Dean Koontz
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
One Day in The Life of Ivan Denisovich by Alexander Solzhenitsyn
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Ordinary People by Judith Guest
Our Bodies, Ourselves by Boston Women’s Health Collective
Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy
Revolting Rhymes by Roald Dahl
Scary Stories 3: More Tales to Chill Your Bones by Alvin Schwartz
Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz
Separate Peace by John Knowles
Silas Marner by George Eliot
Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
The Bastard by John Jakes
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
The Devil’s Alternative by Frederick Forsyth
The Figure in the Shadows by John Bellairs
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Snyder
The Learning Tree by Gordon Parks
The Living Bible by William C. Bower
The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare
The New Teenage Body Book by Kathy McCoy and Charles Wibbelsman
The Pigman by Paul Zindel
The Seduction of Peter S. by Lawrence Sanders
The Shining by Stephen King
The Witches by Roald Dahl
The Witches of Worm by Zilpha Snyder
Then Again, Maybe I Won’t by Judy Blume
To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare
Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary by the Merriam-Webster Editorial Staff
Witches, Pumpkins, and Grinning Ghosts: The Story of the Halloween Symbols by Edna Barth

Good night and good luck.

A surprising twist in Japanese politics

At least our losers have some sense. Hi everyone, and by everyone I mean the two family members and occasional spam-bot who read this. I’m back from a long overdue holiday in the US. I’ll write up a report of the things I found interesting returning to the US of A at a later time. Today I want to talk about Former PM Fukuda.

That’s right, the Japanese Prime Minister resigned this morning. Claiming that he felt he could no longer deal with the multitude of issues facing Japan at the moment and that it was time for someone new to take the reigns. And there have been some serious issues: Record gas prices, the end of the longest post-war economic expansion ever, a fruitless G8 summit, and a new healthcare plan that shifted a lot of burden away from the government and the tax payers and on to the elderly. Considering that Japan has the greyest and longest lived population in the world, this was not a bright move.

In addition, Fukuda had to deal with the first divided parliament in Japanese history. One house is controlled by each party but Fukuda’s LDP (Liberal Democratic Party aka The Conservatives) still maintains the overall majority.

As of last week, his approval rating was down to 29% despite a recent reshuffling of the cabinet, normally a guaranteed numbers boost. So, after less than a year in office, the 72 year old Fukuda chose to quit before he dragged the nation too far into the dirt. Isn’t that a nice idea?

Although the ruling party is able to call for elections whenever they choose, they are not REQUIRED to hold a general election until September 2009. Knowing that they are at a low point approval wise, the LDP has decided not to hold an election and instead the party leaders will privately select the new PM. This may happen as soon as the end of the week since Parliament is due to open a new session on Sept. 12th.

Naturally the opposition party is up in arms about the private selection concept and is clamoring for elections to be held. The claim is that the LDP is not willing to hear the voice of the people. Now, none of this is going to do a blessed thing, but it’s a nice point to mention.

The likely replacement for Fukuda is Aso Taro. I don’t know much about him accept that he is a former Foreign Minister and known to be significantly more conservative than Fukuda. I don’t envy the guy. With mandatory election a year away, his party can’t afford 3 failed prime ministers in a row.

I know that most people are bored by Japanese politics. So to balance the scales, my next entry will be an analysis of Sen. McCain’s VP choice including *gasp* some positives.

Now we're getting silly.

Sometimes it seems like humans can’t live unless they are fighting over something. Today, I’m going to weigh in on a story that has been a big deal here in Japan and also over in Korea, the Takeshima/Dokdo debate.

I can already hear you thinking, “What the warm place is he talking about?” Well, that’s perfectly understandable since I sincerely doubt that this has made the US press.

Short version: There is a small chain of islets off the northern coast of Japan that are claimed as sovereign territory by both Japan and South Korea and are called Takeshima and Dokdo by each country respectfully. Who actually owns the islets has been a matter of hot and violent debate for years, but the current stink started a few months ago when the Japanese Ministry of Education, Culture, Sports, Science, and Technology (the Japanese like to get full mileage out of their ministries) came out with their new guidelines for middle and high school teachers. The most controversial change is that students are now to be taught that the Takeshima islets are part of Japan and the Korean claim is to either be ignored or refuted. As one might expect, this has royally cheesed off the Koreans, who don’t like the Japanese much to begin with, and they have officially recalled their ambassador to Japan.

Long version: Here’s a link to an AP story:
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/S/SKOREA_JAPAN?SITE=CTDAN&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

With all this fuss, you must imagine that these islets are pretty valuable. Full of natural resources ripe for exploitation or with plenty of room for urban development for an over populated country. Well, you’d be dead wrong. These islets, note that they’re not even called islands, can best be described as a pair of rocks that just happen to stick out of the water. The weather is horrendous most times of the year and the terrain is considered all but uninhabitable. The population consists of 2 Korean citizens who live there as part of that nations land claim, 37 Korean security guards to defend the islets (???why???), and 3 Japanese fishermen.

I’m sorry if this sounds like I’m imposing my culture on another, but this is a petty and ridiculous thing to fight over. The core issue is an understandable one however. From 1910 to 1945, Japan occupied South Korea and the Koreans are still angry about it. Wouldn’t you be?
What really ticks me off is the idea of dragging the schools into it. Revisionist history in social studies class is nothing new in Japan or anywhere else for that matter. Just look at any US history textbook in any public school. But to write an ending for a current event is a new low. Imagine if a US history text were to come out tomorrow and the last chapter read, “. . . and then President McCain continued President George W. Bush’s good work and won the war in Iraq without any significant loss of American life.” (Published by Murdoch Pub. Ltd. “We decide, you agree ARRRRR.”) The public outrage would be . . . minor most likely. Americans don’t really care what goes into their children’s textbooks.

OK, that was a depressing thought.

I’m going to stop writing now.

Gotta love the loopholes.

The FISA bill that the President will soon sign is a terrible idea. By protecting the telecom companies from civil lawsuits, it sends the clear message that the President of the United States is above the law. Considering that most of the big wigs at the Dept. of Justice sit at the pleasure of the President, it’s hard to say that he isn’t. But there is one argument against this bill that I’m not sure I buy.

I was watching Countdown via msnbc.com last night and one of the guests made the argument that the FISA bill shreads the 4th amendment. I’m not sure I agree. As a refresher, the 4th amendment is:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

As I understand it, the FISA bill legalizes and/or excuses the government spying on American citizens without a warrant. I haven’t read the bill, so I’m probably missing a lot of the details, but that is how it has been presented so that is what I will argue against.

The government listening in on your phone calls doesn’t violate the exact wording of the forth amendment. The spirit of it, heck yes, but the law is rarely concerned with the spirit. That’s the difference between Law and Justice. Verbal communication doesn’t fall under persons, houses, papers, or effects and the amendment only requires a warrant for those specific things. All four of those categories refer to physical objects, not information. “Persons” means the government can’t search your physical body or clothing. “Houses” is self explanatory. “Papers” refer to your personal records in an era when writing something down was the only way to record anything. “Effects” refer to your physical property such as the contents of your briefcase (In that era, this probably covered your slaves as well).

The big question is: Do spoken words fall under any of these categories? Houses: no. Person, not really because your words can’t be found by a physical search of your person. Papers, possibly, but the Administration’s argument will be that if it isn’t written down, it doesn’t count. Effects, that’s doubtful because you don’t own your words. Something I heard over and over again in school was how once something is said, it’s not private anymore. Under that logic, listening to someone’s phone call is not a search of their private records because words are definitively not private. (OK, yeah, I know that’s a load of rubbish, but that is what my generation was taught to believe in the post-columbine world.)

So the biggest sticker is in papers. If the government or their tele-toadies RECORD the call and play it back, then it becomes a “paper” under this amendment. So all they have to do is listen to the calls live and then prosecute under the 1st grader laws of evidence, “Teacher! Teacher! Johnny said a bad word!” (and yes, that’s the same Johnny who can’t read. What a little brat!) In the days of “You’re an enemy combatant because I said so. Off to Gitmo with ya!” this isn’t as crazy as it sounds.

It all comes down to the fact that we are using a 16th century rule book for a 21st century game. Therefore, the constitution ranks right up there with the Bible as a document that can be interpreted as just about anything. In today’s world, information is as tangible a commodity as bread or rice, something the founding fathers never could have imagined and hence did not plan for.

So the Bush administration is showing uncharacteristic intelligence by working their way around a constitutional loophole. That doesn’t change the fact that George W. Bush is a criminal and deserves to be hauled off to jail for the dozens of felonies he has, or has ordered, committed.

Dubya goes to Japan, part one.

W. is visiting Japan and (since it probably won't make the news state side) I'm here to capture all the fun and frolics.

It’s only natural that when a country hosts an international even that they want to show off their culture. Japan is currently hosting the G8 summit in Hokkaido. As such, the eight world leaders were asked to participate in the Tanabata tradition of writing a wish on a piece of paper and tying it to a tree. This tradition stems from the fact that Tanabata is the Star Festival and the words for “wish” and “star” are the same (hoshi) only written with different kanji. 欲しい and 星 respectfully. By the way, that was an excuse to see if the blogger software can handle Japanese writing.

So, what did the world leaders wish for? According to the Japan Times, the wishes were as follows:

England—PM Gordon “Not Blair” Brown. I will mock the other leaders, but not this one. July 7th may be Tanabata in Japan, but in the UK it is the anniversary of the London terrorist bombing. His wish was for an end to terrorism and a prayer for those who lost their lives in London. A class act.

Germany—Chancellor Angela “no amusing nickname” Merkel. She wished for a bright star to shine over the summit and for all nations to meet their responsibilities. A bit of a “take that” at the USA, which has a decades long reputation for signing treaties and accords, then using them to line the birdcage.

Japan—PM Yasuo “spell check says his name is Fu**er” Fukuda. The current PM has approval ratings below those of President Bush and is basically counting on this summit to save his job. He had a good chance here to show his intelligence and skill with the language (two things the Japanese apparently LIKE in their leaders) and he blew it by just writing one of his political catchphrases. “Learning from past wisdoms and creating new ones.” The spell checker may have been right.

USA—Still President George W. “I’m still allowed to touch things” Bush. This is a good one. I should point out that he wrote in English, it was translated into Japanese for the press, and that was retranslated back into English before the Japan Times published it. Why they didn’t just read the original, I don’t know. The Tanabata wish of Still President Bush: I wish for a world free from tyranny. Please insert your own joke about Jan 20, 2009 here: __________________________________________.

What a maroon!

All's fair in love and war records

OK, there’s nothing much in the Japanese press today except that gas prices have gone up another 10 yen a liter. Speaking of which, I was wrong about the translation of the gas prices I’m paying. 1 gallon is 3.78 liters not 4, my mistake. So I’m actually paying $6.77/gal, not $6.80. (Big !$#%ing deal!)

What I’d like to talk about today is Barack Obama and his decision to take the high road with regards to John McCain. Gen. Wesley Clark Ret. Made some long overdue comments yesterday regarding the logic of equating wartime presidential leadership ability with a military career that involved no wartime command duty whatsoever. Today, Next President Obama said that this was inappropriate, that Gen. Clark was not speaking on his behalf, and that he has no plans to attack the service record of John McCain.

This just goes to show that Barack Obama is simply a better person than John McCain. McCain’s service record is his main selling point, yet nobody is examining it that closely. The general idea is that you don’t attack the record of an ex-POW veteran with several impressive metals attached to his chest. That’s all well and good, but where was that logic 4 years ago when the GOP ripped John Kerry to pieces with false information about his war record?

The double standard extends to this election as well. One reason that nobody is attacking McCain’s record is it is equated as attacking his patriotism or attacking American troops in general. Again, that doesn’t stop the GOP from attacking Obama on the same issues, but what the hell. This is ridiculous of course. Examining his service record is just looking to see if he was any good at his job. It has nothing to do with courage, patriotism, or anything else. It’s about seeing if the foundation of the McCain campaign is strong enough to hold up the entire free world. Kinda important, donja think?

I don’t see what the problem is with looking at McCain’s background. It's ok to look at Obama’s background and experience and evaluate him as a potential POTUS but not ok to do the same to McCain. Why? Because he was in the military? The military contains the same crosscut of individuals as the rest of the population. I say from first hand experience, there are people in the military that I wouldn’t trust to run a cub scout den, much less a country (including some of the peoplewho ran MY cub scout den). Is it because John McCain was a POW? Well, I’m sorry if this sounds crass, but if you crash your plane behind enemy lines and are captured by said enemy then something went very badly wrong! And you automatically deserve to be the President of the United States solely because of that serious screw up. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t add up for me.

While we’re on the subject, would somebody please define the word patriotism or patriot for me? Over the last few years a patriot appears to have come to mean someone who never questions what they are told, a person who never disagrees with the authority figure, a person who proclaims the greatness of their flag and nation without knowing anything about its inner workings or history, a person who is proud of their ignorance, and most importantly a person who is a Republican. And not just a republican, a Bush/Rove republican. That can’t be right. If it is, then I am not a patriot and I am damn proud of it.

Getting back to the point, I just hope this impressive show of class by Obama doesn’t come back to haunt him. Not retaliating in kind when you are attacked and not stooping down to the lowest common level is seen as a sign of weakness under the modern political paradigm. This is a bad idea for the GOP. They are hearing the message “I’m going to be a nice guy while you attack me.” hidden in Obama’s message when they should be hearing, “. . . you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

I need my own talk show.

So that I can give these kind of opinions and have people listen to me. I’m seriously thinking of starting a radio like program on youtube. Would anybody out there watch it? Will my love of the sound of my own voice make me not care?

Two interesting notes in the Japanese press today. First, the rigorous training of the Japanese Olympic team . . . fork and knife training! Yes, it turns out that he Beijing Olympic Village is saving time and dishwashers by serving all meals on paper plates with plastic western serving utensils. I guess all the money is going into their weather control cannons. I wish I’d made that up.

In an understandable panic, the Japanese athletes have been training for this by eating without chopsticks once a week for the last month or so. Also, the dishes served have been straight Chinese. Chinese food in Japan is typically redesigned to cater to the Japanese palette (the same thing happens everywhere else). Not this time, the brave Olympians are eating the same things the Chinese do. The poor dears.

The general conclusion, according to the Reuters story I read, “We need to sneak chopsticks and soy sauce into Beijing.” Therefore it is clear that these people are missing the point of the Olympics by several light years.

The second story is much more serious and relates back to something I reported on a while ago, relations between the US military and the people of Japan. A Japanese court has ordered 146 million yen (about $1.35 million) paid to the people living near Futenma Air Station. Futenma is a Japanese ASDF (Air Self Defense Force) base that is shared with the US. The reason for the citizen’s complaint? The helicopters are noisy and they are scared of accidents.

According to the court:
The Japanese government had "infringed on the rights of residents by sharing the air station [with the Americans]," said presiding Judge Yoshimitsu Kawai, Jiji Press reported.
"The noise hampered conversation, television viewing and sleep. Residents have had increased emotional damage due to fear and insecurity about crashes."

The interesting thing here is that it is the Japanese government that is being asked to pay for this despite the activities of the US personnel being expressly stated as the cause of the problem. My opinion on the issue: these people are complaining about absolutely NOTHING! I lived on or near air bases most of my life before my 3rd year of high school. The noise is noticeable, but hardly disruptive. It’s also useful because you can often set your clocks by it. That said, the Japanese value their peace and quiet so I understand where they are coming from, but 1.35 million dollars is way too much.

Thankfully, the judge struck down both the original demand of 455 million yen and completely threw out the idea of ordering the base not to launch or land aircraft in the early morning/late evening. He also described the idea that the “low frequency sound waves from the helicopters” are causing the people health problems as unproven (that’s Japanese-polite-speak for ridiculous).

In a related story, Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda (who wishes he had approval ratings as high as George W. Bush) has promised to “reduce the burden” the US troops place on the people of Okinawa. This is the Japanese equivalent of an American politician promising to fund ethanol while campaigning in Iowa.

Tips to save money on gas

We’re all paying a lot of money at the pump. Here in Japan, it’s 170 yen a liter. That translates to about $6.80/gal! The general consensus is that this sucks. With that revelation under our belts, please enjoy these methods of squeezing every last drop out of your car.

1. Obey the law. Silly as it may sound, one of the best ways to increase your miles per gallon is to drive at or slightly below the speed limit. The faster a car goes, the harder the engine has to work, and the more fuel is consumed. Driving the speed limit doesn’t really get you anywhere any slower and it will save you money in speeding tickets, so give it a shot.

2. Drive a constant speed. It is the constant acceleration and deceleration that drains a cars tank. That’s why the mpg listed for a vehicle is higher for highway driving than it is for city driving. On the highway, you are driving at a fairly constant speed. Try using that in town. Obviously, you still need to stop at traffic lights and such, but otherwise pick your speed and stick to it as traffic allows.

3. Make the car do the work. There are a few times when you can take your foot off the pedals and let the car do the driving for you.

A. When you have to stop, but have a long distance to do it in. When you see a red light in the distance and there are no cars between you and it, take you foot off the gas (COVER THE BRAKE JUST IN CASE) and let the car coast until you need to stop it. You will slow down gradually due to the laws of physics. If you are lucky, the light will turn green and you can gas on through, eliminating one of those nasty start/stop gas guzzling maneuvers.

B. When driving down hill and there is nothing in front of you. Take your foot off the gas and let inertia and gravity do the job. Again COVER THE BRAKE JUST IN CASE!!

During these times when the gas pedal is not engaged, there is little to no gasoline being burned. It isn’t much, but every mpg helps.

4. Stop Idling. This has been a major PSA campaign in Japan lately. The idea is that when you stop your car for more than about 30 seconds, switch it off. Modern cars (at least Japanese ones) use less fuel restarting than they do idling for a minute or more. So don’t leave the car running when your spouse dashes into the store for five minutes. Don’t circle the parking lot waiting to pick someone up. This one requires good judgment, but if it is done correctly, it can save up to a gallon per tank (according to the Japanese PSA campaign).

5. Drive less. Yeah, this is the one we don’t want. But sometimes it just makes sense NOT to drive. Use public transportation, park & ride, walk, or use whatever else you can. Failing that, you should at least try planning your route out ahead of time so you can cover the maximum amount of space with the least amount of driving. For that matter, combine trips and do as much as you can in one drive.

Just a few ideas that I've found work for me. The result is that I only need to go to the gas station twice a month even though I drive every day.

Extra!! Extra!! Read all about it!!!

John McCain says something smart! Extra!! Extra!!

The Monday, John McCain announced that he supports the idea of a $300 million prize to anyone, corporation or private citizen, who designs a reliable battery operated car. This is a fantastic idea and one that is a long time in coming. Just to make it clear, we are talking about $300,000,000.00 here!

I've said for a while now that the only way to get America back on it's feet is for us to start creating again. And the only way to ensure that is a good hard bribe. Why we didn't start doing this years ago is beyond me, but what the heck.

That said, I still believe that McBush would make a horrible president. But every once a decade or so, he apparently comes up with a good idea. And this is one that President Obama should seriously consider implementing.

Every comment is special

And yes, that title is another Countdown reference. This is a shameless plea to the people who read this blog (both of you) to leave the occasional comment when you visit. It would be nice to know that someone reads this stuff.

Nothing big, just a quick "Hi nice post. You require psychiatric help!" Is all I ask.

Random things. Ex: "socket wrench"

In a sick attempt to get one of these things posted a month, please enjoy some random ramblings about various topics.

Topic 1: The election. For sake of the world, John McCain must never become President of the United States. For the sake of the world, John McCain must never become president of his local golf club. For the sake of the world, John McCain must never become president of his high school alumni association (although that particular one room school house has probably burned down by now).

This man is the worst candidate that I have ever seen. The last several months have been nothing but a continuous deluge of him flip-flopping, exaggerating, or saying things that just aren’t true. Not only does he not know who we are supposed to be fighting in Iraq, defense being his much ballyhooed strong point. He doesn’t even know what he voted for or what he said from one day to the next.

He doesn’t seem to realize that his votes in the Senate are a matter of public record, nor does he seem to know that those little black boxes with the blinking red lights record your words and image and those recordings can be replayed at anytime in the future.

There are four possible explanations for this, none of which are pleasant to think about:
1. John McCain is a habitual liar.
2. John McCain honestly can’t remember what he said or did in the past (whether this is due to his age, chronic injuries, or another factor is immaterial).
3. John McCain is so confident in his smear tactics and media minions that he doesn’t feel he needs to be consistent, coherent, or factual.
4. John McCain is an idiot.
And one possibility that is actually quite pleasant to think about:
5. John McCain is deliberately trying to lose the election because then the GOP can go back to being the poor beaten underdogs that they love to portray themselves as.

Topic 1.5: Cookie Gate round 2. I laughed out loud for about five minutes straight when I found out that John McCain’s wife has AGAIN plagiarized. A few months ago, Mrs. Cindy McCain was caught lifting recipes from the Food Network (Rachel Ray to be exact) and submitting them as “McCain Family Recipes.” Well, here we go again (cue: Benny Hill music). This time she has stolen her entry to the Family Circle Magazine First Lady Bakeoff contest from . . . wait for it . . . the Hershey website!

There are several comments worth making here. First: HERSHEY? You steal from Hershey? Are you kidding me? There are millions of cookbooks out there to swipe from (trust me) and you pick the Hershey website? The least you could have done was swipe from a good chocolate maker. Hershey chocolate tastes like wax.

Secondly, what does this say about the McCain’s? Between the husband and wife we now have a clear pattern of lying and theft in an attempt to get what they want. And they aren’t even very good at it. Beyond that, we see a pattern of trying what didn’t work last time and assuming everyone is too dumb to notice. Considering that Sen. McCain is proposing a continuation of the failed Bush administration, this is not a good idea.

Third, what does this say about America? The article that I read this story from mentioned that the winning recipe in the Family Circle bake off has correctly foreshadowed the winner of the general election the last four straight cycles. Why is it so important that the first lady be able to bake cookies? Hasn’t the whole “equality between the sexes” concept come farther that that? The first family is supposed to be a representative for the nation (part of that whole head of state thing) and the assumption is that the wife of this family has to be able to whip up a batch of great cookies. Am I the only one offended by this? And I’m a guy!

Topic 2: International Travel. I’m planning on returning to the United States this summer to visit my family and I am rather angry about something that came up when I booked my tickets. It turns out that the United States charges a $60 entrance fee to the country. That applies to both visitors and to returning nationals. I am an American Citizen! I should be able to enter my own damn country whenever I please! That’s why I bought a freaking passport in the first place. I know the US is broke, but there have to be better ways of making money.

Topic 3: Web comics. I just noticed that I mentioned these in my initial posting and haven’t said anything about them since. Web comics are comic strips drawn by amateur artists and posted to the internet. Most of these are rubbish, but there are a few that stand out. I tell you my top three now and expand upon that, er, someday.

1. El Goonish Shive. A typical high school drama including aliens, transformation guns, crystal generated clones, and a young mad scientist who falls in love with a squirrel. www.egscomics.com

2. Dominic Deegan: Oracle for Hire. A sword and sorcery fantasy story that centers on the life of Dominic Deegan, a seer who attracts trouble like a magnet and has a painful sense of humor. The man who draws this is one of the very few who has been able to turn his web comic into a full time job and updates 7 days a week. www.dominic-deegan.com

3. Order of the Stick: A D&D parody that’s drawn in deliberate stick figure style. If you’ve ever enjoyed a medieval quest fantasy from Tolken on down, you’ll like this. You don’t even have to understand the D&D references to get about 85% of the jokes.
www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0001.html

Topic 4: Ice cream. Who doesn’t like ice cream? Hmmmmmm, ice cream.

Topic 5: Trigger phrase—drakengaurd seltzer Jefferson.

Topic 6: What’s good on TV? Not much, but there are some programs on American TV that I recommend. First is Countdown with Keith Olbermann on MSNBC. This man is the heir apparent to Edward R. Murrow and Tim Russert. Second is American Gladiators. This show is a successful revival of the favorite programs from my youth. Come on, small people being smashed by larger than life characters for our personal amusement. Third, Doctor Who. The newest series sould be on American TV on either BBC America or Sci-Fi by now. It’s fantastic and the dynamic between the Doctor and the new Companion is truly unique. Lastly, I recommend the . . . er . . . OK, that’s all the good stuff on the air right now. But hey, Heroes is going to be coming back soon, right?

And now writing this is becoming tiresome. You may all run along now and return to your little lives. Begone!

(I’m practicing for when I become an Evil Overlord)

RyuSensei
Yeah, I know I need sleep.