Kaiju Battel Log–BattelDate 58371.pie
Well, the big day has come and gone. Kaiju Big Battel has filmed their tv pilot and the results were outstanding, unless your name happens to be Dr. Cube or Uchu Chu. The SDS-timeslip may not have worked out the way the space bug had intended, but it worked well for the fans. Let’s look at it Fighto by Fighto:
0. Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder vs. French Toast:
This match never happened. The Commissioner has asked the question “What happened to French Toast?” The answer: “Who Cares?”
1. Hero Intern vs. Gii the Space Pirate
This was an impromptu fighto as the fuzzy backed beast stormed out into the arena and started smashing the city skyline. The recently reinstated Hero Intern not only gained some measure of revenge against the monster that put him in the hospital, but proved that he is the most pathetic excuse for a hero this side of Super Wrong. The Intern may have won the match, but it took assistance from Tadd Braddley AND Neo Teppen _in addition_ to Giii (I’ll be kind) misjudging the distance of a high risk move off the top of a skyscraper and taking a nasty looking belly flop into the middle of the Big Ring.
Winner: Hero Intern
Follow up predictions: I have no idea where the Intern goes from here as he has yet to win a Fighto without help from another Team Hero member. Heck, American Beetle had to help him against Call-Me-Kevin! Frankly, he needs to spend some more time in training before he shows his face in another Battel. As for Neo Teppen and Giii, they still have issues to resolve from the whole kidnaping thing. Not to mention the fate of the mystic blue orb that powers Neo Teppen and that Giii wants as space booty (get your mind out of the gutter!). Another interesting point. The official results on Kaiju.com state that Giii’s services are still being retained by Dr. Cube despite the fact that Cube has said in interview that their professional relationship has expired. Is this another effect of the time slip? If so, are there other effects that have yet to be made apparent?
2. Apes of Wraths vs. Sea Amigos
DDT Title match
For a moment it looked like erased history would repeat itself as one member of each team grabbed one of the Double Danger Tandem Title Belts. Thankfully, the career of the One Eyed Monsters was short lived as The Grunyin came to his partner’s aide and put the beat down on the water breathers. Of course, as soon as they grabbed the second belt, the Apes ran like a pair of scalded monkeys out of the arena giving the Posse their first win of the night.
Winners and NEW DDT champions: Apes of Wraths
Follow up predictions: Can you say rematch! The Sea Amigos have a legitimate complaint as the match was supposed to have ended the instant the belts were removed from the polls. Therefore, the Apes are holding at least one of the belts illegally. Add that to the fact that there aren’t any other tag teams that have fought or won recently enough to qualify for a title shot. Of course, the final decision is up to the KRC who may force the Apes to defend the titles against some new tag teams in order to beef up this new division.
3. Pedro Plantain vs. Silver Potato
Amazon River Street Fighto
Pedro was clearly shaken to see a zombie of his late brother fighting alongside the traitor tater. Thankfully, the bell of the battel Powa Ranjuru appeared to help the bewildered brother. It turns out that the healing powers of Powa’s pixie dust has a rather negative effect on zombies. With Pablo down, Silver Potato was beaten spudless by one ticked off Plantain.
Winner: Pedro Plantain
Follow up predictions: There is no way in hades that this feud is over! The fruit and the root will clash again in the future. More importantly, hope is not lost for Pablo Plantain as an undead hero is, by definition, not completely dead. To quote Miracle Max, “There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead, means he’s slightly alive.” Pablo’s fate will be a serious plot point if the G4 picks up KBB for a full series.
4. Dusto Bunny vs. Super Wrong
Mocky Tomb of Doom Match
We all know the rules, the first man to stuff his opponent into a giant box of Pocky wins! We all know the stakes. If the sage hare loses, he has to join Super Wrong’s hero splinter group the Yokusuka Jump Squadron (by the way, I’ve looked in three Japanese dictionaries and yokusuka doesn’t actually mean anything). Well, it was a surprising match in that it lasted longer than 15 seconds and featured Super Wrong actually making it to the ring. As always though, the disco dancing dunce failed to live up to the theatrics of his spectacular entrance and was eventually confined to the mocky box by the wise old veteran of Kaiju, Dusto Bunny. However, in a remarkable turn of events. Dusto, in a show of respect to Super Wrong, teamed up with the rebel hero and the two shared a disco duet to end the segment.
Winner: Dusto Bunny
Follow up predictions: Dusto Bunny may have done more than meets the eye (kaiju in disguise) with his dance. Super Wrong left the Heros because he thought they were all making fun of him for his atrocious win-loss record. Dusto tried to show the time traveling jobber that at least one of the heros respected him. This may spell the beginning of the end for the Yokusuka Jump Squadron so the question must be asked: What will happen to the only other squadron member, the inanimate pink teddy bear (who also holds a win over Super Wrong)?
MAIN EVENT
Kung Fu Chicken Noodle vs. Opponent of his Choice.
Kaiju Grand Championship Title Match
Without knowing it, KFCN selected the same opponent in the new time line that he had in the old: Team Space Bug leader Uchu Chu! This circumvented a previous ruling by the Kaiju Commissioner that suspended Uchu Chu from sanctioned competition for one year due to his unsportsbuglike behavior. Sadly, the fighto never got under way as Uchu Chu was attacked on his way to the ring by two of Dr. Cube’s colossal Super Minions. After the show ended, we found out that Uchu Chu’s knee was shattered and he was taken to the nearby Sacred Thorax Local Medical Facility. Meanwhile, back at our main event, Dr. Cube himself appeared and challenged the Soup for the title. The bad doctor even agreed to wager the newly hatched Sky Deviler Jr. in a winner take all war. Again, the match couldn’t start as a mob of Uchu Chu’s offspring The Swarm charged the ring in an attempt to avenge their fallen father.
In a moment that will go down in Kaiju history, Kung Fu Chicken Noodle and Dr. Cube chose to TEAM UP against The Swarm in a classic example of “The-enemy-of-my-enemy-is-still-my-enemy-but-I-don’t-want-to-die-
so-what-the-Hell!” Suffice to say, the swarm was completely out matched and was forced to retreat with their stingers between their legs. With that out of the way, the actual title match could begin. Despite a clearly injured back due to the punches and kicks of the champ, Dr. Cube was able to successfully execute his finisher, the Iconoclysm for 1 . . . 2 . . . NO! The Soup kicked out!! Dr. Cube was in complete shock. This had never happened before. Dr. Cube was so distracted that he didn’t notice Kung Fu Chicken Noodle powering up his own finishing move: The Five Fingered Chowder Fist! The pulverizing punch landed squarely in Cube’s chest not once, but twice! Senior official Jingi gets into position and the Soup covers for 1 . . . 2 . . . 3!!! KFCN retains the belt and takes custody of the baby Sky Deviler!
Winner and STILL Kaiju Grand Champion: Kung Fu Chicken Noodle.
Follow up predictions: You just know that Uchu Chu is going to claim #1 contender’s status when he gets out of hospital as his appointed title shot didn’t happen. Meanwhile, the time off may be just what he needs. It was posted on Kaiju.com that he is being kept on a Royal Jelly free diet during his recovery. Uchu Chu’s addiction to Royal Jelly has always been his biggest weakness. Like Superman with out Kryptonite, a clean Uchu Chu may be a truly invincible force. As for the baby, he rightly belongs to Team Space Bug as the successor to the late, great, Sky Deviler. Dr. Cube is a no good eggnapper and the fact that he was willing to bet a baby in a fighto just proves what kind of a no good SOB he really is. I’d bet 1,000,000 yen that the remaining Space Bugs will stop at nothing to get him back. I’ve no doubt that this will eventually lead to a three way confrontation between the Posse, Space Bugs, and Champion.
As you can see, G4 would be foolish not to pick up this series and push it to the moon. Until next time, this is Ryu Sensei signing off and remember (as Uchu Chu learned the heard way) Danger Can Happen.
End Log . . .*
Hit Count (not the number of people I have been paid to kill)
Monday, February 26, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
The State of Medicine in America
In real world news, I’m still waiting for news on my visa and possible placement sites from the folks in Japan. It’s a lovely game of hurry up and wait. Also, the Oregon Health Plan is being run by a load of heartless bastards. It turns out that they have decided to stop taking adult applicants in order to reduce the number of people using the state health plan. So much for helping the poor and uninsured receive basic medical care. For a country that claims to be the undisputed world leader in . . . everything, it is an unconscionable, yet true, fact that we are the only first or second world nation without some kind of nationalized healthcare system. All because we are afraid of communism.
I know it sounds stupid, but it’s the truth. For the lest 60 years, every time the idea of universal healthcare has come before the US congress, somebody has linked the idea of medical care for all citizens with communism. The communist philosophy of “all give what they can and all are given what they need” terrifies us because we have spent a generation training our people to react with terror and suspicion to the very words “communist”, “red”, “pinko”, and “socialist”. Then President Richard Nixon had the chance to sign true national healthcare into law. He was told by, I believe, his Vice-President “Mr. President, you realize this is socialized medicine?” The POTUS heard that red flag word, socialized, and hurriedly vetoed the bill. This caused pain and suffering for countless Americans simply because they (if you ask the right Conservative Christians) weren’t blessed enough by God to be granted enough money to afford medical coverage.
We MUST elect a young person to the office of President in 2008. Someone who wasn’t raised with the fear of change and progress that the baby boomers in Washington DC seem to possess. I don’t know who that is, therefore I do not endorse any particular candidate. Most likely, he or she has not appeared on the national stage. It is time to cast off the terror seeped culture of cold war America and start doing what is needed to:
Promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity.
I know it sounds stupid, but it’s the truth. For the lest 60 years, every time the idea of universal healthcare has come before the US congress, somebody has linked the idea of medical care for all citizens with communism. The communist philosophy of “all give what they can and all are given what they need” terrifies us because we have spent a generation training our people to react with terror and suspicion to the very words “communist”, “red”, “pinko”, and “socialist”. Then President Richard Nixon had the chance to sign true national healthcare into law. He was told by, I believe, his Vice-President “Mr. President, you realize this is socialized medicine?” The POTUS heard that red flag word, socialized, and hurriedly vetoed the bill. This caused pain and suffering for countless Americans simply because they (if you ask the right Conservative Christians) weren’t blessed enough by God to be granted enough money to afford medical coverage.
We MUST elect a young person to the office of President in 2008. Someone who wasn’t raised with the fear of change and progress that the baby boomers in Washington DC seem to possess. I don’t know who that is, therefore I do not endorse any particular candidate. Most likely, he or she has not appeared on the national stage. It is time to cast off the terror seeped culture of cold war America and start doing what is needed to:
Promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Kaiju TV Pilot
Kaiju Log–BattelDate: 48662.rhubarb
On February 21st, Kaiju Big Battel will film a pilot for a new TV show on G4TV. This could be the biggest break in the history of this little company that started as an art project. Details of the event have been sketchy, until now. The Kaiju Regulatory Commission (KRC) has released the Fighto Card for the big show. Here it is, referenced (stolen) from www.kaiju.com:
Trans-Atlantic Grudge Match
Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder (US) vs French Toast (EU)
Double Danger Tandem Championship
Apes of Wraths vs Sea Amigos
Amazon River Street Fighto
Pedro Plantain vs the Evil Silver Potato
Mocky Tomb of Doom
Dusto Bunny vs Super Wrong
Kaiju Championship Battel
Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle vs Opponent of His Choice
It will be an entertaining night. How do I know this? Because it already happened once. It appears that the time traveling hijinks of the Super Dimensional Slug have completely erased the events of the previous KBB show, Shpadoinkel Mania 18, from the time-space continuum. As a result, this is virtually the exact same card as SP18. The question is whether or not the results will be the same.
This will make life a lot easier for the people at KBB because the deletion of the earlier show means one less chapter of the story that has to be explained. The most important thing to remember when planning a TV pilot is to present a good introduction to the product. The goal of this show is to sell it not only to the network, but to a nationwide audience of fans that don’t know anything about the decade long history of the company. This is particularly difficult when you consider that most of the current storylines have been going on for months, if not years. For example, the Amazon River Street Fighto between Pedro Plantain & Silver Potato goes back over two years. Here’s a brief summary:
Act I: Once upon a time, Silver Potato was the best of the good guys and leader of Team Hero, not to mention a multi-time Kaiju Grand Champion. However, his career was cut short when he was crippled by the evil Dr. Cube. The bad doctor then kidnaped the Idaho Icon from his own retirement party and held him hostage for over 18 months. Meanwhile, Pedro Plantain and his twin brother Pablo were the company’s tip top tag team, constantly foiling the menacing machinations of Dr. Cube’s Posse.
Act II: At “Someone Must Die” (ominous title ain’t it?) we learned that, during his confinement, the uber tuber was subjected to massive brainwashing and was now a card carrying member of the Posse. As his first act as a certified super villain, the traitor tator fatally wounded Pablo with a machete to the back.
Act III: *Erased from history*
All this has to be compressed to a 30 second video clip and the other fightos have back stories at least as complicated. Not to mention, the audience also needs to be introduced to all the various characters involved. That needs to be packed around the actual matches and the whole thing needs to fit into (I believe) one hour of television minus commercials and station breaks. That’s what I call an interesting challenge. It will either be the start of a new era in live monster wrestling, or the first proverbial nail in the proverbial coffin.
There is still a chance that more news will be released between now and the event. So I will wait until the 20th to post my predictions of the potentially paralyzing performances. (In case you haven’t noticed, I admire the amazing attributes of alliteration)
End Log . . .*
On February 21st, Kaiju Big Battel will film a pilot for a new TV show on G4TV. This could be the biggest break in the history of this little company that started as an art project. Details of the event have been sketchy, until now. The Kaiju Regulatory Commission (KRC) has released the Fighto Card for the big show. Here it is, referenced (stolen) from www.kaiju.com:
Trans-Atlantic Grudge Match
Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder (US) vs French Toast (EU)
Double Danger Tandem Championship
Apes of Wraths vs Sea Amigos
Amazon River Street Fighto
Pedro Plantain vs the Evil Silver Potato
Mocky Tomb of Doom
Dusto Bunny vs Super Wrong
Kaiju Championship Battel
Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle vs Opponent of His Choice
It will be an entertaining night. How do I know this? Because it already happened once. It appears that the time traveling hijinks of the Super Dimensional Slug have completely erased the events of the previous KBB show, Shpadoinkel Mania 18, from the time-space continuum. As a result, this is virtually the exact same card as SP18. The question is whether or not the results will be the same.
This will make life a lot easier for the people at KBB because the deletion of the earlier show means one less chapter of the story that has to be explained. The most important thing to remember when planning a TV pilot is to present a good introduction to the product. The goal of this show is to sell it not only to the network, but to a nationwide audience of fans that don’t know anything about the decade long history of the company. This is particularly difficult when you consider that most of the current storylines have been going on for months, if not years. For example, the Amazon River Street Fighto between Pedro Plantain & Silver Potato goes back over two years. Here’s a brief summary:
Act I: Once upon a time, Silver Potato was the best of the good guys and leader of Team Hero, not to mention a multi-time Kaiju Grand Champion. However, his career was cut short when he was crippled by the evil Dr. Cube. The bad doctor then kidnaped the Idaho Icon from his own retirement party and held him hostage for over 18 months. Meanwhile, Pedro Plantain and his twin brother Pablo were the company’s tip top tag team, constantly foiling the menacing machinations of Dr. Cube’s Posse.
Act II: At “Someone Must Die” (ominous title ain’t it?) we learned that, during his confinement, the uber tuber was subjected to massive brainwashing and was now a card carrying member of the Posse. As his first act as a certified super villain, the traitor tator fatally wounded Pablo with a machete to the back.
Act III: *Erased from history*
All this has to be compressed to a 30 second video clip and the other fightos have back stories at least as complicated. Not to mention, the audience also needs to be introduced to all the various characters involved. That needs to be packed around the actual matches and the whole thing needs to fit into (I believe) one hour of television minus commercials and station breaks. That’s what I call an interesting challenge. It will either be the start of a new era in live monster wrestling, or the first proverbial nail in the proverbial coffin.
There is still a chance that more news will be released between now and the event. So I will wait until the 20th to post my predictions of the potentially paralyzing performances. (In case you haven’t noticed, I admire the amazing attributes of alliteration)
End Log . . .*
Hajimemashou
Greetings to any who may read these words. To you I say . . . no, you wanted to take a left at that last search engine. Man, if they’re going to build an information superhighway, the least they could do is put up some decent road signs.
Anyway, let me start by explaining who I am and the purpose of this blog. My name is Ryu Sensei and I will soon be the newest English teacher in Japan. I’ve started this as a journal of my adventures. I hope to keep my professional and private lives separate, but as they are both significant in relation to my travels, there will doubtlessly be some overlap. For the record, I will NEVER refer to any of my students, colleagues, friends, or family members by their real names. This is both to protect their privacy and to cover my hide as I am well aware that anything I post here may be read by a world wide audience. (I’m also well aware that few if any people I know are actually going to read this, but allow me this slight delusion of grandeur)
Now, what will I be talking about here? Well, this will be a combination journal and opinion blog. I’ll report any interesting travel stories and/or cultural exchanges I experience that I want to preserve for posterity. Opinion posts will cover a wide range of topics ranging from politics, to education, to food, to webcomics, to Kaiju Big Battel (KBB).
What is KBB? Well, it’s a combination Japanese monster movie and professional wrestling parody show that pokes considerable fun at both it’s parent genres. In other words, a bunch of city stomping creatures “settling their differences” (Read: beating the high holy heck out of each other) in the ring. I stumbled across this about two years ago and became hooked on the humor and the writing to say nothing of the community of die hard, amazingly creative, fans that follow KBB. Don’t be surprised if frequent posts on this blog relate to my reporting, opinions, and analysis of the goings on in the fictional world of Kaiju Big Battel (and before anyone asks, the spelling error in “battel” is deliberate. Apparently, there was a typo made on an early Kaiju T-shirt and the guys in charge thought it looked cool so they left it).
Now that’s settled, you’re probably wondering who I am. Well, I won’t give you all the details, but here’s what you do get:
• I was born in the UK to an American military family. Therefore, I’m a US citizen with all the rights and paperwork that entails. I could even run for president if I choose. That, of course, presupposes that I lose my mind at some point before declaring candidacy.
• By the time I was through elementary school, I had lived on two continents and had either visited or lived in over a dozen countries. So I’ve been a wanderer all of my life.
• I graduated from university in 2006 with a BA in English/Education and I am a member of Phi Beta Kappa.
• I love to cook. One of my main goals of going to Japan is to learn more about Japanese cooking techniques and recipes.
• I enjoy science fiction & fantasy and pride myself on having a healthy imagination. This interest has expanded in recent years to include a love of Japanese pop culture such as anime, manga, tokusetsu, and kaiju. Yes, I am a nerd and darn proud of it.
That’s about it for now. I’m in the process of getting my work visa so that I can legally earn money in Japan (quite a good idea if you ask me). That means I’m momentarily trapped in a limbo of paperwork and waiting. As soon as anything post worthy happens, I’ll write it here.
Anyway, let me start by explaining who I am and the purpose of this blog. My name is Ryu Sensei and I will soon be the newest English teacher in Japan. I’ve started this as a journal of my adventures. I hope to keep my professional and private lives separate, but as they are both significant in relation to my travels, there will doubtlessly be some overlap. For the record, I will NEVER refer to any of my students, colleagues, friends, or family members by their real names. This is both to protect their privacy and to cover my hide as I am well aware that anything I post here may be read by a world wide audience. (I’m also well aware that few if any people I know are actually going to read this, but allow me this slight delusion of grandeur)
Now, what will I be talking about here? Well, this will be a combination journal and opinion blog. I’ll report any interesting travel stories and/or cultural exchanges I experience that I want to preserve for posterity. Opinion posts will cover a wide range of topics ranging from politics, to education, to food, to webcomics, to Kaiju Big Battel (KBB).
What is KBB? Well, it’s a combination Japanese monster movie and professional wrestling parody show that pokes considerable fun at both it’s parent genres. In other words, a bunch of city stomping creatures “settling their differences” (Read: beating the high holy heck out of each other) in the ring. I stumbled across this about two years ago and became hooked on the humor and the writing to say nothing of the community of die hard, amazingly creative, fans that follow KBB. Don’t be surprised if frequent posts on this blog relate to my reporting, opinions, and analysis of the goings on in the fictional world of Kaiju Big Battel (and before anyone asks, the spelling error in “battel” is deliberate. Apparently, there was a typo made on an early Kaiju T-shirt and the guys in charge thought it looked cool so they left it).
Now that’s settled, you’re probably wondering who I am. Well, I won’t give you all the details, but here’s what you do get:
• I was born in the UK to an American military family. Therefore, I’m a US citizen with all the rights and paperwork that entails. I could even run for president if I choose. That, of course, presupposes that I lose my mind at some point before declaring candidacy.
• By the time I was through elementary school, I had lived on two continents and had either visited or lived in over a dozen countries. So I’ve been a wanderer all of my life.
• I graduated from university in 2006 with a BA in English/Education and I am a member of Phi Beta Kappa.
• I love to cook. One of my main goals of going to Japan is to learn more about Japanese cooking techniques and recipes.
• I enjoy science fiction & fantasy and pride myself on having a healthy imagination. This interest has expanded in recent years to include a love of Japanese pop culture such as anime, manga, tokusetsu, and kaiju. Yes, I am a nerd and darn proud of it.
That’s about it for now. I’m in the process of getting my work visa so that I can legally earn money in Japan (quite a good idea if you ask me). That means I’m momentarily trapped in a limbo of paperwork and waiting. As soon as anything post worthy happens, I’ll write it here.
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