Kaiju Pilot results and analysis

Kaiju Battel Log–BattelDate 58371.pie

Well, the big day has come and gone. Kaiju Big Battel has filmed their tv pilot and the results were outstanding, unless your name happens to be Dr. Cube or Uchu Chu. The SDS-timeslip may not have worked out the way the space bug had intended, but it worked well for the fans. Let’s look at it Fighto by Fighto:

0. Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder vs. French Toast:
This match never happened. The Commissioner has asked the question “What happened to French Toast?” The answer: “Who Cares?”

1. Hero Intern vs. Gii the Space Pirate
This was an impromptu fighto as the fuzzy backed beast stormed out into the arena and started smashing the city skyline. The recently reinstated Hero Intern not only gained some measure of revenge against the monster that put him in the hospital, but proved that he is the most pathetic excuse for a hero this side of Super Wrong. The Intern may have won the match, but it took assistance from Tadd Braddley AND Neo Teppen _in addition_ to Giii (I’ll be kind) misjudging the distance of a high risk move off the top of a skyscraper and taking a nasty looking belly flop into the middle of the Big Ring.

Winner: Hero Intern

Follow up predictions: I have no idea where the Intern goes from here as he has yet to win a Fighto without help from another Team Hero member. Heck, American Beetle had to help him against Call-Me-Kevin! Frankly, he needs to spend some more time in training before he shows his face in another Battel. As for Neo Teppen and Giii, they still have issues to resolve from the whole kidnaping thing. Not to mention the fate of the mystic blue orb that powers Neo Teppen and that Giii wants as space booty (get your mind out of the gutter!). Another interesting point. The official results on Kaiju.com state that Giii’s services are still being retained by Dr. Cube despite the fact that Cube has said in interview that their professional relationship has expired. Is this another effect of the time slip? If so, are there other effects that have yet to be made apparent?

2. Apes of Wraths vs. Sea Amigos
DDT Title match

For a moment it looked like erased history would repeat itself as one member of each team grabbed one of the Double Danger Tandem Title Belts. Thankfully, the career of the One Eyed Monsters was short lived as The Grunyin came to his partner’s aide and put the beat down on the water breathers. Of course, as soon as they grabbed the second belt, the Apes ran like a pair of scalded monkeys out of the arena giving the Posse their first win of the night.

Winners and NEW DDT champions: Apes of Wraths

Follow up predictions: Can you say rematch! The Sea Amigos have a legitimate complaint as the match was supposed to have ended the instant the belts were removed from the polls. Therefore, the Apes are holding at least one of the belts illegally. Add that to the fact that there aren’t any other tag teams that have fought or won recently enough to qualify for a title shot. Of course, the final decision is up to the KRC who may force the Apes to defend the titles against some new tag teams in order to beef up this new division.

3. Pedro Plantain vs. Silver Potato
Amazon River Street Fighto

Pedro was clearly shaken to see a zombie of his late brother fighting alongside the traitor tater. Thankfully, the bell of the battel Powa Ranjuru appeared to help the bewildered brother. It turns out that the healing powers of Powa’s pixie dust has a rather negative effect on zombies. With Pablo down, Silver Potato was beaten spudless by one ticked off Plantain.

Winner: Pedro Plantain

Follow up predictions: There is no way in hades that this feud is over! The fruit and the root will clash again in the future. More importantly, hope is not lost for Pablo Plantain as an undead hero is, by definition, not completely dead. To quote Miracle Max, “There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead, means he’s slightly alive.” Pablo’s fate will be a serious plot point if the G4 picks up KBB for a full series.

4. Dusto Bunny vs. Super Wrong
Mocky Tomb of Doom Match

We all know the rules, the first man to stuff his opponent into a giant box of Pocky wins! We all know the stakes. If the sage hare loses, he has to join Super Wrong’s hero splinter group the Yokusuka Jump Squadron (by the way, I’ve looked in three Japanese dictionaries and yokusuka doesn’t actually mean anything). Well, it was a surprising match in that it lasted longer than 15 seconds and featured Super Wrong actually making it to the ring. As always though, the disco dancing dunce failed to live up to the theatrics of his spectacular entrance and was eventually confined to the mocky box by the wise old veteran of Kaiju, Dusto Bunny. However, in a remarkable turn of events. Dusto, in a show of respect to Super Wrong, teamed up with the rebel hero and the two shared a disco duet to end the segment.

Winner: Dusto Bunny

Follow up predictions: Dusto Bunny may have done more than meets the eye (kaiju in disguise) with his dance. Super Wrong left the Heros because he thought they were all making fun of him for his atrocious win-loss record. Dusto tried to show the time traveling jobber that at least one of the heros respected him. This may spell the beginning of the end for the Yokusuka Jump Squadron so the question must be asked: What will happen to the only other squadron member, the inanimate pink teddy bear (who also holds a win over Super Wrong)?

MAIN EVENT
Kung Fu Chicken Noodle vs. Opponent of his Choice.
Kaiju Grand Championship Title Match

Without knowing it, KFCN selected the same opponent in the new time line that he had in the old: Team Space Bug leader Uchu Chu! This circumvented a previous ruling by the Kaiju Commissioner that suspended Uchu Chu from sanctioned competition for one year due to his unsportsbuglike behavior. Sadly, the fighto never got under way as Uchu Chu was attacked on his way to the ring by two of Dr. Cube’s colossal Super Minions. After the show ended, we found out that Uchu Chu’s knee was shattered and he was taken to the nearby Sacred Thorax Local Medical Facility. Meanwhile, back at our main event, Dr. Cube himself appeared and challenged the Soup for the title. The bad doctor even agreed to wager the newly hatched Sky Deviler Jr. in a winner take all war. Again, the match couldn’t start as a mob of Uchu Chu’s offspring The Swarm charged the ring in an attempt to avenge their fallen father.

In a moment that will go down in Kaiju history, Kung Fu Chicken Noodle and Dr. Cube chose to TEAM UP against The Swarm in a classic example of “The-enemy-of-my-enemy-is-still-my-enemy-but-I-don’t-want-to-die-
so-what-the-Hell!” Suffice to say, the swarm was completely out matched and was forced to retreat with their stingers between their legs. With that out of the way, the actual title match could begin. Despite a clearly injured back due to the punches and kicks of the champ, Dr. Cube was able to successfully execute his finisher, the Iconoclysm for 1 . . . 2 . . . NO! The Soup kicked out!! Dr. Cube was in complete shock. This had never happened before. Dr. Cube was so distracted that he didn’t notice Kung Fu Chicken Noodle powering up his own finishing move: The Five Fingered Chowder Fist! The pulverizing punch landed squarely in Cube’s chest not once, but twice! Senior official Jingi gets into position and the Soup covers for 1 . . . 2 . . . 3!!! KFCN retains the belt and takes custody of the baby Sky Deviler!

Winner and STILL Kaiju Grand Champion: Kung Fu Chicken Noodle.

Follow up predictions: You just know that Uchu Chu is going to claim #1 contender’s status when he gets out of hospital as his appointed title shot didn’t happen. Meanwhile, the time off may be just what he needs. It was posted on Kaiju.com that he is being kept on a Royal Jelly free diet during his recovery. Uchu Chu’s addiction to Royal Jelly has always been his biggest weakness. Like Superman with out Kryptonite, a clean Uchu Chu may be a truly invincible force. As for the baby, he rightly belongs to Team Space Bug as the successor to the late, great, Sky Deviler. Dr. Cube is a no good eggnapper and the fact that he was willing to bet a baby in a fighto just proves what kind of a no good SOB he really is. I’d bet 1,000,000 yen that the remaining Space Bugs will stop at nothing to get him back. I’ve no doubt that this will eventually lead to a three way confrontation between the Posse, Space Bugs, and Champion.

As you can see, G4 would be foolish not to pick up this series and push it to the moon. Until next time, this is Ryu Sensei signing off and remember (as Uchu Chu learned the heard way) Danger Can Happen.

End Log . . .*